Rising up to the Challenge

Recently, when Rio was preparing to test for his 1st Degree Black Belt the only thing that was in his way was breaking a wood board. He had been breaking plastic boards, no problem, but in order to earn a 1st Degree Black Belt, wood was the standard.
A few weeks before testing it was announced that the rules have been changed and now children can choose between breaking wood or plastic boards. So naturally the kids that were testing were choosing plastic boards.We could have complied and pushed him through testing, I'm not going to lie...it was tempting. But it was time for my husband and I to practice what we preach.
We talked to Rio and told him that he would'nt be testing for his black belt until he could break a wood board regardless of the rule changes. If he broke a plastic board it wouldn't be any different than testing for his other belts, and we wanted this one to mean more. We didn't want to take away from the challenge. He agreed.
We were in it for the long hall, even if it took him a year to break a wood board, it would be worth it. Even if everyone passed him up and earned their belts before him, it didn't matter. This was about our child. It was about his personal achievement.
A few weeks later he was breaking wood boards consistently, two a day in our backyard. In class however, not so consistent. In class he would get so excited to show off that he would lose focus. Then he would feel defeated because he knew what he was capable of.
As the next testing opportunity approached, I was reluctant to let him test, while my husband was completely confident. But we ultimately decided that it was up to our son to succeed or fail, and he deserved the chance to try.
I have never been so nervous in my life. He had only three chances to do two board breaks. He missed his running jump side kick, succeeded with his palm heel strike, then missed his running jump side kick.
As my son fell apart, sitting on the mat staring at the board like it was his nemesis. I'm questioning, what have I done? He is only six, did we push him before he was ready, maybe we should of let him break a plastic board...etc.etc.
I understand that feeling of wanting to see your child succeed and wanting to make it easier for him. I get it! I had to check myself though. This isn't about me, it's about him. Life is not fair. Failure isn't going to kill him. He will survive this. I might not, but he will.
Then he was given one final attempt. I didn't even breathe.
He ran across the mat and flew straight through the board. He did it! He turned around, his face was lit up with pride. Running back across the mat, he jumped, punching one fist in the air. Victory!
I'm so proud that my son was willing to rise up to such a challenge. And I know that if we would of let him choose what was easy then he wouldn't of been able to show us what he is capable of.

Green Beans

I made a mistake and served green beans with dinner. My daughter gagging with every bite and my son not only boycotting the green beans, but refusing to eat anything that shares a plate with them. Sitting sideways with his head buried into the chair back crying, "I'm not eating that." My children were acting as if I were trying to poison them. It was hilarious. So I do what any desperate parent would do, and break out my most motivating bribes.

"I'll give you each a dollar if you eat them." I said.

"Okay!" My daughters face lit up. Eating them but still gagging.

"What happens if I don't?" My son inquires.

"No dollar."

"Okay, no dollar." He responds.

"If you don't eat them, then you will have to give me a dollar." I said, clearly changing the bribe.

"I think... I can find a dollar." He said after giving it 5 seconds of consideration.

I am trying not to laugh. My tactics are backfiring. So far my son is willing not only to pass up earning a dollar, but pay one to get out of eating his green beans, while my daughter is bragging how she ate them and she is now one dollar richer. So I had to think, what is more important than earning money to this kid. Ah ha, ice cream.

"Everyone who eats their green beans gets an ice cream sandwich after dinner."

"What if I don't?" He questions.

"Then no ice cream."

He sits in his chair sobbing. He pulls his self together and shakes his head okay. I'm thinking, yes it worked, I win! Then he pushes his plate away from him.

My husband says, "You want me to feed you like a baby?" As he scoops up some green beans with the fork then attempts to force feed our child. My son locks his lips tight and noodles down the chair.

"Fine! If you're not going to eat them then go to bed!" It's the last threat I have.

So he climbs off his chair and walks himself to his room, puts his PJ's on and gets into bed at 6:23pm. I followed him and he is ready to be tucked in for the night. I thought, now this is a kid who hates green beans!

I didn't give up and eventually I got one green bean in him and he was allowed to stay up until it was actually time to go to bed. Dinner wasn't supposed to be punishment, I just wanted to get some vegetables in the stomachs of my children.

This is not a mistake I will make again! Now when I want to get my children to eat their green beans I puree them and add them to the meat loaf.

Rewarding Mediocrity

What has happened to expectations? It seems nothing is expected of children anymore. The trend is to reward them for everything they do. Succeed or fail, win or lose, everyone gets a reward. It is present in schools; where graduations are held for grade completions that start as early as preschool. It is present in homes; parents bribing their children to do their chores or brush their teeth. It is present in sports; where everyone who participates gets a trophy. Then we wonder how we have raised a bunch of adolescents who when asked to take out the trash say, "What is in it for me?"

There are things in life that are just expected! Children should be expected to pass a grade. No graduation, passing and moving forward with their classmates is the reward. Children should be expected to do their chores, it is called responsibility. They should brush their teeth without complaint, the reward is that they don't have rotten teeth. In sports, the teams that don't win should not get a trophy, they did not win anything! The reward is to participate on a team and enjoy it.

I don't know who should be more insulted, the parents or the children?

Do people believe that parents are so narcissistic that the only way they can be proud of their children is if children are honored and rewarded, even when there isn't any real accomplishment. When was the bar on greatness lowered to mediocre? Children are not given enough credit. When did people start believing that children are so weak that they can't overcome defeat?

Parents have been sucked into the "everybody wins" mentality for far too long. Not me! It's time I stop complaining under my breath on how ridiculous these rewards really are, and start instilling in my children to hand these type of acknowledgements back. Because at the end of the day it doesn't mean anything if it wasn't earned.

"This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You"

It's true! This hurts me more than it hurts you. It is so much easier to say yes than say no. When my children want something, it is difficult for me not to give it to them and it is even harder to discipline them. Naturally I want to have happy children and it feels good knowing their happiness is a direct result of my superb parenting. And when I see potential unhappiness in their eyes, there is an instinctive urge to give into them, fix their problem, excuse their behavior and make it all better. But parenting isn't about making easy choices, it's about making tough ones. I know that coddling only gives them temporary happiness that is followed with them expecting to always have their way. This isn't doing them any favors in the long run. So as heart wrenching as it is and no matter how unnatural it feels I try not to take the easy way out. It is my job to make the tough decisions. As my parents said to me, I now say to my children, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." Because sometimes parenting seems impossible.