Inventive Calculations

As I cleaned my house today I kept referring to my children as pigs.  And I take it back...I'm convinced pigs are cleaner.  After picking up the trail they left behind getting ready for school and cleaning the wasted toothpaste out of the bathroom sinks I dared to venture into their rooms. 

Then it dawned on me; my life could be so much easier. 

I shut Rio's dresser drawers because he is so busy he can never seem to find the time.  I tried to fix Amaya's bottom drawer, that is used primarily as a ladder to get to her TV.  Then I had to pick clothes up off the floors in each of their rooms, and smell each piece to separate the clean ones from the dirty ones. 

I'm certain now that dressers are unnecessary with one primary function; take up space.  My kids do not need them.  They don't use them anyway.  And dressers are directly connected to the laundry.  Why fold their clothes?  Half of their clothes will end up on the floor and the half that makes it into their dressers will be wadded in balls and shoved to the back.

I wonder if I took their dressers away and started throwing their clothes on the floor, would they learn to appreciate what they had?  It worked with their bed frames.  Under the beds are now spotless.

As I realize this, I find the same logic can be applied throughout my house.  If my inventive calculations are correct I could end up saving three hours a day.

Participation Trophies

The worst part of the soccer season is here.  Trophies!  Obviously I'm not a fan.  Unless my kids are part of a winning team, I don't see the point.  There was a choice on Rio's team...t-shirts or trophies.  Our choice lost, by a lot.  I don't know why it surprises me, I predicted this from the day we signed up for soccer.  The story is pretty much the same but in different variation. 

"My son is expecting one."

"My son doesn't have a trophy yet and he wants one."

"It just makes me feel good when I see him get a trophy."

"They're young, what does it really matter?"

"It makes the kids happy."

"The boys worked so hard, they deserve them."

Traditionally trophies are a symbol of winning.  So this is what I'm hearing; expecting, wanting, deserving and having are winning attitudes.  What are we rewarding?  I don't think parents are doing their children any favors.

Rio's coach called to ask if they should order Rio a trophy.  Now I'm in a terrible position.  I would love to tell him NO.  Rio doesn't even want one, he wants a t-shirt.  However if I did that, then it's separating Rio from the team, and after all isn't that the point of team sports?  To be a team, not an individual. 

If I say, "Ya, go ahead he can have a trophy." 

Does that make me a hypocrite?  I should practice what I preach.  

Rio says, "I'm just gonna throw it away." 

What a waste of money.  And worst of all, I feel like it's taking away from him winning his first trophy.  If he's handed trophies year after year for participation it will be no big deal.  How sad.

On a lighter note;  Amaya is on a winning team and we're doing medals.  Rio is excited for his sister.

It's Just Blood

My husband gets hurt and the whole world stops.  So the kids and I dropped everything to take him to the doctor.  We arrived in the medical office building and the kids were doing running jump kicks off the walls, twirling and rolling on the floor. I'm sure I had judgmental parents rolling their eyes behind my back pleading for me to control my children.  But I was too tired to care.

We entered the elevator, which started an immediate fight over who gets to push the button. 

"Me!"

"No, me."

"NO ME!"

Rio wins, a victory that had to be rubbed in his sister's face. We stepped out onto the second floor and my kids took off in opposite directions before realizing my husband and I were not behind them. 

I decided it was a good time to go take care of my overdue blood work and drag my children with me, to save my husband from the headache I foresaw of the him being stuck in a tiny white room with two rambunctious children.  I've been there, I know. 

Rio was getting nervous.  "They're going to steal your blood Mom?" He asked.

"No, I'm going to let them borrow it."  I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes.

He looked at me puzzled trying to figure out how that would  work...I ignored him.

I sat down in the chair and gave my arm to the nurse and Rio was gone. I coaxed  him out from hiding behind a chair.  He was so nervous, it made me anxious.

"Can't I go with Dad?"  He asked, clearly not wanting anything to do with this.

I told him, "No this is fine.  It's not a big deal, it's just blood. It doesn't even hurt. Watch."

His face was pale and I couldn't resist.  As the nurse slipped the needle into my skin... I SCREAMED!  Rio jumped and the look of panic on his face, priceless.  He wasn't amused but the nurses obviously had an appreciation for a good joke.

"I'm just kidding buddy." I apologized.

"I'm not talking to you ever again." He vowed.

It was time to go and Rio broke, "Mom, can we take the elevator?"

Darn, I really could of used some peace and quiet.

Fountain of Youth

I'm convinced my children have a magic straw they use to literally suck the youth right out of my soul.  I'm exhausted!  I find myself in the mirror inspecting my pores and searching for wrinkles.  I finger through my hair looking for stray gray hairs that may have spontaneously appeared over night.  And with a birthday approaching anyone can see that I am desperate.

Good news is, I am now only ten days away from looking five years younger!  The back panel of the enchanted sparkled blue gels box says: Get skin that looks up to five years younger in just 14 days!  No more needs to be said, I'm sold.  Besides the fountain of youth promise, it just looks expensive.

Day 1- Pores look smaller and more refined.
                        Check!

Day 2-Unveils your most rejuvenated skin.
                    Check! Check!

Day 3- Gives your skin a seamless airbrushed look.  
                Check! Check! Check!

Day 5- Dramatically smoothes, softens and refines skin texture.
                 Day five here I come!!

Day 7- 25% reduction in the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
I'm excited...the way I see it, I only have about 25% fine lines and wrinkles, so this is good.  My husband says, "I don't think it works like that."  But what does he know.

Day 10- Virtually erases the appearance of pores.
I wonder, will it finally be safe to look into the evil magnified mirror that has been banished from the house?

Day 14-Skin looks up to 5 years younger.
This is awesome!  So in a couple of weeks I'm not turning 33, this year I will be turning 28.

This is clearly proof that beauty products don't need to embellish their claims on my account, I am completely delusional on my own.