Black Friday

Black Friday has convinced me...people are nuts! 

Waiting in front of stores a week in advanced with their tents and chairs to be first inside stores to get the deal of a lifetime.  What is it about the word "sale" that makes people go absolutely insane.  That little word convinces people to buy things they don't need, don't want, and will never use.

People waiting in retail lines in excess of two hours to buy a door buster deal.  Others wait to buy one of everything.

"Are we gonna buy something?"  Rio asked while we were searching for the end of the line, that literally wrapped around the entire department store.

"Nope." I told him.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because there isn't a sale in the world that justifies waiting in that line."  I explained.  "Black Friday's a sport, and we're spectators."

He seemed relieved.

This is why those other crazy people do their Christmas shopping in June.

Web MD Addict

I can't be trusted alone with the Internet, and I can't be trusted not to look up random symptoms on Web MD.  I need an intervention.  Hello.  My name is Nikki, and I am an addict.

I find myself frequently in the position of using our family doctors as the second opinion.

When Amaya was a baby, she had weekly check-ups to have her head measured because her doctor thought her head was shrinking.  No explanation.  I thought, "Is that possible, can that happen?"  So of course I had to Google it.  Turns out the nurse measured wrong.  Good thing.

When my husband went through his fainting phase.  The doctor said, "It happens."  No explanation.  So again, I Googled it.  Turns out, in some people pain triggers shock.  The bigger they are the harder they fall.  Oh, and believe me, I have stories.

When teacher's were concerned Rio had ADHD.  I wasn't having it.  Where did I turn.  First the Internet, then the doctor. Apparently high energy is a symptom of many mental illnesses.  The final diagnosis...he's a boy.

When my doctor told me I had Lupus.  Pretty much out of the blue!  It was all I could do.  Every time I passed the office, I had to look it up.  Searching for a different explanation.  Link by link.  Turns out he was wrong also. 

There's just one thing, with every problem I solve, the Internet gives me three more possible illnesses I never considered.  Brain tumors, cancer, and PTSD. 

Boy, do doctors love me.

Warning! Avoid Alcoholic Beverages

Illness came suddenly.  Attacking Rio early this morning.  First it was his stomach, then his head, then his ear, and now his throat.  He is running a slight fever and tears roll down his face when sharp pains travel through his right ear.  The doctor's office isn't open until Monday.  So I am a prisoner all weekend.

I go through the medicine cabinet looking for something to ease his pain. 

I find Children's Motrin.  Expired 5/2009
I find ear drops left from a previous infection.  Expired  6/2007
I find decongestant.  Expired 6/2010
I find Tylenol.  Expired 1/2010

As a matter of fact, half of everything in the medicine cabinet is expired.  So I have to bundle up the kids, load them in the car and take a trip to the drug store.

I fill my cart with Ibuprofen, Tylenol, and Children's Dimetapp.   As most parents do before buying medication to give to their children, I read the active ingredients, drug warnings, and drug facts on the side panels.  One was more interesting than the others.

Children's Dimetapp

-avoid alcoholic beverages
-alcohol, sedatives, and tranquilizers may increase drowsiness
-be careful when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery

I thought,"Good thing they included that warning."  I was going to give Rio a bottle of wine and then let him drive us home. 

Seriously!

Three Slices Short

When I pick my kids up from school the first two minutes after they get in the car are always the most interesting. I get the details of all the injustices that happened in the school day.  Today it was child "A" . 

"I didn't even get pizza today." Stated child "A"

"Why would you have pizza, it's a half day?"  I asked.  "Schools out before lunch."

"Well I wasn't the only one... there was three of us who didn't get any."  Child "A" continued to state the injustice.

"I see you have a cupcake, was it someones birthday?"  I asked the obvious.

"Yes, our group was last and they ran out of pizza.  They only had hot wings left." Child "A" said shaking her head. "I saw more in the box, but I think those pieces were left for the adults."

"I don't understand?  There was pizza left...but the adults said there wasn't...because they were saving pizza for themselves?"  I asked. "How do you feel about that?"

"Some kids were upset..."  Child "A" said as she handed her cupcake to her younger sibling.

"Were you upset?"  I asked looking into the rear view mirror.

Child "A" tightened her mouth and shook her head yes.

Does this really happen?

It's simple.  If there are 30 kids in a class, bring 30 slices of pizza...or nothing at all!  Some people are clueless...or should I say three slices short.

Looks like we are having pizza for dinner.


Disclaimer: Child "A" asked me to refer to her this way, for this post, for anonymity.  I explained that people who read this blog can figure out who I am referring to.  So please, pretend this didn't come from her.

Translation Required

It's school conference time!  And sometimes conferences require a little translation.

Teacher:  Your child's penmanship needs improvement.
Translation:  Your child is going to make a fine doctor.

Teacher:  Your child is very talkative during class.
Translation:  Your child is the most articulate child I've met.

Teacher: Your child is progressing at grade level.
Translation: Your child is at the top of the class.

Teacher:  Your child can't sit still.
Translation: Your child's athletic ability is impressive.

Teacher:  Sometimes your child calls out of turn.
Translation:  Your child is an eager learner.

Teacher: Your child is so sweet.
Translation:  Your child is perfect!

I couldn't of asked for better conferences if I made them up myself.

Soccer Mom

I didn't think I would survive a season of team sports.  I never aspired to be the team mom.  And I never wanted a mini-van.  So two out of three are a reality...the mini-van will have to wait.

After the snack schedule, t-shirt orders, the banner, emails, phone calls, practices, and games.  Toting water jugs, benches, balls, setting up goals, taking down goals, putting up the banner, taking down the banner, and 12 weeks of eating all of our meals out of a crock pot.  You would think I'd be done with it.  But strangely I'm not.

Venom had an awesome season, the girls were talented, the parents were fabulous, and our coach, phenomenal.  So of course with this combination we can't say farewell...we're going into indoor soccer with the same girls, the same parents and the same coach.  It's very exciting.

Still I can't help but ask, "How did I become a soccer mom?"

Pulling Teeth

"Mom I think I'm having a tooth problem."  Amaya said as she rubbed her right cheek.

"Why is that?"  I asked.

"Because I have another loose tooth... and I don't know if it should be." She continued to rub her cheek.

"I told you to brush more or your teeth are going to fall out of your head." I teased her.  "Come here.  Let me see." I said as I waved her closer.

"Don't touch it!"  She backed away.

"I won't." I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer.  I had her open up her mouth so she could show me and I reassured her that it was fine.  "It barely wiggles, it's not ready." 

"It hurts."  She complained.

"You'll be fine." I told her.

"Well... all I'm really worried about is my eating." She explained.

"Amaya you're not going to starve!" I told her.

I gave her some Motrin for the pain then had the kids brush their teeth and go to bed. 

Twenty minutes later I heard a grunting scream coming from the bathroom.  I opened the door and there was Amaya holding her tooth in her hand leaning over the sink.

"Why won't it stop bleeding?" She started to panic.

"Amaya!  It's because it wasn't ready to come out. Oh my gosh look at the hole!"

"But I can eat right?"  She asked. 

Unbelievable.

Where Have All the Pencils Gone?

Teachers always have pencils at the top of their supply wish lists. 

"I just don't know where all the pencils go."  Said the teacher.

I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know...but they seem to like sharpening them into nubs."

Little did I know, I would  solve the pencil mystery.  My house!  Somehow my house is The Grand Central Station of pencils.  I know this because I have never bought a pencil to be kept in this house...EVER! 

I showed my husband the pencil collection I found picking up the house. 

"Where did all of those come from?"  He questioned in disbelief.

"Around the house." I said.  "And I haven't even looked under the couch cushions yet."

"So there's more..."  He was stating the obvious.

"Have you ever bought a pencil?" I asked squinting my eyes at him.

"Never." He states. Confirming my suspicion of our little pencil thieves.

"Well I guess we know where all the schools pencils are ending up." I said.

Now I have to go tell my kids that we do not need any more pencils, but mommy is running low on pens.

The Quiet Game

The only way for Rio to win The Quiet Game...cheat.  

Before you worry and call CPS, just know I don't make a habit of duct taping my kids mouth shut.  He did this himself.  But who am I to stop him.  It was a brilliant idea!  I don't know why I've never thought of it. 

Rio wanted to tape his sister's mouth shut as well but unfortunately she wasn't having it.

Reading Overload

The school trimester is almost up.  In two days to be exact.  And I have apparently forgotten how stressful the fourth grade can be.

"Amaya you need to read if you want to have any chance of making your AR goal."  I stated, totally unsympathetic.

"I'm trying Mom!"  Amaya responds.

"Don't be surprised if you're a few points shy of making it to the pizza party."  I added.

Then she started crying.

"What's the matter? Why are you crying?"  I dared to ask knowing I've provoked this.

"All school year you've been pushing me to read and I have been.  I read all the time.  I'm trying really hard!"  She says crying.

I had to apologize.  I was being unfair.  I push because I want her to do well and I know how bad she wants to go to that pizza party. 

She doesn't know, but I am on her side.  She has read over 31 books in twelve weeks, and it still isn't enough.  That's ridiculous. Reading is important, I agree, but there are other things in life that are equally important.  Reading for points makes reading a chore.

Making children read more doesn't necessarily develop a love for reading any more than eating peanut butter and jelly every day will develop a love for peanuts.  At some point they just get burnt out.

So I've decided to back off.  The world isn't going to end if she doesn't meet some silly AR goal.

Goodbye Halloween

Goodbye Halloween. It is finally over!  I love a holiday as much as the next person, well maybe not quite that much, but in my defense enough is enough.

Why is Halloween now a four day event?  Is it so Halloween Stores can justify charging $40.00 for a paper thin nylon costume?  Or are parents dragging out the event to rationalize buying one of those over priced costumes, that in many cases will still require purchasing three more accessories to complete? 

Day four, the department stores host trick-or-treating.  Day three, the schools have Halloween parades and class parties.  Day two, churches and individuals host Halloween events around town.  Then finally Halloween Trick-or-Treating. 

All while my children nag me regarding October 31st.  Not because it will be Halloween, but because they want to make sure they make it to church on time so they can audition for the part they want in the Christmas Play.  Really kids...can't we get through one holiday before we worry about the next.

This morning on the way to school they started singing Christmas songs.  So Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  No one is really excited until the turkey is in the oven.

Inventive Calculations

As I cleaned my house today I kept referring to my children as pigs.  And I take it back...I'm convinced pigs are cleaner.  After picking up the trail they left behind getting ready for school and cleaning the wasted toothpaste out of the bathroom sinks I dared to venture into their rooms. 

Then it dawned on me; my life could be so much easier. 

I shut Rio's dresser drawers because he is so busy he can never seem to find the time.  I tried to fix Amaya's bottom drawer, that is used primarily as a ladder to get to her TV.  Then I had to pick clothes up off the floors in each of their rooms, and smell each piece to separate the clean ones from the dirty ones. 

I'm certain now that dressers are unnecessary with one primary function; take up space.  My kids do not need them.  They don't use them anyway.  And dressers are directly connected to the laundry.  Why fold their clothes?  Half of their clothes will end up on the floor and the half that makes it into their dressers will be wadded in balls and shoved to the back.

I wonder if I took their dressers away and started throwing their clothes on the floor, would they learn to appreciate what they had?  It worked with their bed frames.  Under the beds are now spotless.

As I realize this, I find the same logic can be applied throughout my house.  If my inventive calculations are correct I could end up saving three hours a day.

Participation Trophies

The worst part of the soccer season is here.  Trophies!  Obviously I'm not a fan.  Unless my kids are part of a winning team, I don't see the point.  There was a choice on Rio's team...t-shirts or trophies.  Our choice lost, by a lot.  I don't know why it surprises me, I predicted this from the day we signed up for soccer.  The story is pretty much the same but in different variation. 

"My son is expecting one."

"My son doesn't have a trophy yet and he wants one."

"It just makes me feel good when I see him get a trophy."

"They're young, what does it really matter?"

"It makes the kids happy."

"The boys worked so hard, they deserve them."

Traditionally trophies are a symbol of winning.  So this is what I'm hearing; expecting, wanting, deserving and having are winning attitudes.  What are we rewarding?  I don't think parents are doing their children any favors.

Rio's coach called to ask if they should order Rio a trophy.  Now I'm in a terrible position.  I would love to tell him NO.  Rio doesn't even want one, he wants a t-shirt.  However if I did that, then it's separating Rio from the team, and after all isn't that the point of team sports?  To be a team, not an individual. 

If I say, "Ya, go ahead he can have a trophy." 

Does that make me a hypocrite?  I should practice what I preach.  

Rio says, "I'm just gonna throw it away." 

What a waste of money.  And worst of all, I feel like it's taking away from him winning his first trophy.  If he's handed trophies year after year for participation it will be no big deal.  How sad.

On a lighter note;  Amaya is on a winning team and we're doing medals.  Rio is excited for his sister.

It's Just Blood

My husband gets hurt and the whole world stops.  So the kids and I dropped everything to take him to the doctor.  We arrived in the medical office building and the kids were doing running jump kicks off the walls, twirling and rolling on the floor. I'm sure I had judgmental parents rolling their eyes behind my back pleading for me to control my children.  But I was too tired to care.

We entered the elevator, which started an immediate fight over who gets to push the button. 

"Me!"

"No, me."

"NO ME!"

Rio wins, a victory that had to be rubbed in his sister's face. We stepped out onto the second floor and my kids took off in opposite directions before realizing my husband and I were not behind them. 

I decided it was a good time to go take care of my overdue blood work and drag my children with me, to save my husband from the headache I foresaw of the him being stuck in a tiny white room with two rambunctious children.  I've been there, I know. 

Rio was getting nervous.  "They're going to steal your blood Mom?" He asked.

"No, I'm going to let them borrow it."  I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes.

He looked at me puzzled trying to figure out how that would  work...I ignored him.

I sat down in the chair and gave my arm to the nurse and Rio was gone. I coaxed  him out from hiding behind a chair.  He was so nervous, it made me anxious.

"Can't I go with Dad?"  He asked, clearly not wanting anything to do with this.

I told him, "No this is fine.  It's not a big deal, it's just blood. It doesn't even hurt. Watch."

His face was pale and I couldn't resist.  As the nurse slipped the needle into my skin... I SCREAMED!  Rio jumped and the look of panic on his face, priceless.  He wasn't amused but the nurses obviously had an appreciation for a good joke.

"I'm just kidding buddy." I apologized.

"I'm not talking to you ever again." He vowed.

It was time to go and Rio broke, "Mom, can we take the elevator?"

Darn, I really could of used some peace and quiet.

Fountain of Youth

I'm convinced my children have a magic straw they use to literally suck the youth right out of my soul.  I'm exhausted!  I find myself in the mirror inspecting my pores and searching for wrinkles.  I finger through my hair looking for stray gray hairs that may have spontaneously appeared over night.  And with a birthday approaching anyone can see that I am desperate.

Good news is, I am now only ten days away from looking five years younger!  The back panel of the enchanted sparkled blue gels box says: Get skin that looks up to five years younger in just 14 days!  No more needs to be said, I'm sold.  Besides the fountain of youth promise, it just looks expensive.

Day 1- Pores look smaller and more refined.
                        Check!

Day 2-Unveils your most rejuvenated skin.
                    Check! Check!

Day 3- Gives your skin a seamless airbrushed look.  
                Check! Check! Check!

Day 5- Dramatically smoothes, softens and refines skin texture.
                 Day five here I come!!

Day 7- 25% reduction in the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
I'm excited...the way I see it, I only have about 25% fine lines and wrinkles, so this is good.  My husband says, "I don't think it works like that."  But what does he know.

Day 10- Virtually erases the appearance of pores.
I wonder, will it finally be safe to look into the evil magnified mirror that has been banished from the house?

Day 14-Skin looks up to 5 years younger.
This is awesome!  So in a couple of weeks I'm not turning 33, this year I will be turning 28.

This is clearly proof that beauty products don't need to embellish their claims on my account, I am completely delusional on my own.