Underdogs

Underdogs...

...one of many activities banned from school playgrounds.

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Idiots

I'm  surrounded by idiots. That's what the pin my husband gave me for our 14th anniversary reads. There's never been a truer statement or better gift.

"Why can't you two act normal?" I shouted at my children after the fifth photo attempt. Then I looked over at my mom. "I don't know why every time I try to take a picture they act like idiots." I complained.

"Ooh..." my husband came over. "That lady is not happy with you."

"What lady?" I looked over in the direction he was pointing, to a woman walking away, shooting dirty looks and shaking her head at me. "What did I do to her?" I asked my husband.

"She didn't like that you referred to our kids as idiots," he said laughing." She huffed away, lecturing you under her breath.

"Well, she obviously hasn't met our kids!" I squawked ending the photo session.

I suppose I could of chose a better synonym to describe the actions of my children. Maybe that woman would have been happier if I used the word silly, goofy, crazy, or foolish.

Too bad I'm not in the business of people pleasing.

Lawnmowers are Destroying the Planet

"Mom...did you know that lawnmowers are bad for the earth?"  Amaya yelled over the radio from the backseat.

"What?  Where did you hear this?"  I asked as I turned down the radio.  My first thought, indoctrination.

"Do you know why?"  She quizzed me.

"I can't wait to find out."  I added with sarcasm.

"It's all of the oil they use." She was totally serious.

My husband and I looked at each other and started laughing. 

"Amaya, I've had my lawnmower for ten years and I've only put oil in it once."  My husband said still laughing.  "Do you mean gas?"

"Who told you this?"  I asked again.

"My teacher."

"Ohhhhh...did you talk about what else is bad for the earth?"

"No just lawnmowers."

"There are bigger issues than lawnmowers.  I think lawnmowers are the least of the earths problems."  I told her.

"Well my teacher disagrees with you." She said bluntly.

"Ask her about cows."

"Cows?  Cows aren't bad.  Cows are living creatures.  How are they bad?"

"They fart!"

"Fart!!!"  Rio yells and laughs hysterically.  We were talking in a language a seven year old boy could relate to.

My husband an I tried to explain, but it was to comical for either one of them to take anything we said seriously.

"So unless you want to stop eating hamburgers and steak." My husband added.

"Well my teacher said one day we won't have lawnmowers anymore because they're so bad.  And we need to help clean the planet."  Amaya still holding her position.

"Why don't you start with cleaning your room, then well move on to the planet."  I said.

Silence.

School Pictures



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Can you guess which picture I hung on my wall?

If you guess the first one, you would be correct. That is how they hooked me. They meaning professional school photographers.Take one good picture, then I'll be dumb enough to pay in advanced for years to come. 

It started in Kindergarten, when the school sent home a flier for picture day with pose and background options, and an assortment of picture packages to choose from.  The flier also stated:  "All photos must be paid for in advance.  Please send cash or check in the attached envelope with your child on picture day."

I remember thinking, "What?  Pay for pictures before I see them, how stupid is that."

Reluctantly I ordered the pictures.  And they turned out great!  The first picture really does capture who he is.  I didn't know it would be all downhill from there.

Now all I can do is try to suppress the disapproving mother in me that starts to surface when I open up his school pictures.  I force a slight smile and look up at Rio...but I can't resist.

Picture 2

"Why did you smile like that?"

"The lady told me to."  He said.  "Do you like them?"

"Very nice."  I said raising my eyebrows. I put the pictures back in the envelope and conveniently lost them in the office.  I convinced myself that the next one would be better.

Picture 3

"Here mom."  Rio handed me his school pictures.

"Rio!  What kind of smile is that?"  I asked, noticing all of his bottom teeth.

"She didn't like my mouth shut, she said to smile big and show teeth."  He explained.

"Okay."  Those also disappeared in the office.

Picture 4

What do you think I said.  Well...not what I wanted. 

"Mom, and you were worried about them combing our hair stupid."  Amaya pointed out.

So I've learned my lesson.